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Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.
I'm on the highway to hell, but ran over the pothole to hell and need the roadside assistance to hell.
WELCOME TO PAGE 844 - ON THE SLOW ROAD TO 850 !!!
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. When she noticed me, we went for a run.
How many tennis players does it take to screw in a light bulb? "What do you mean it was out, it was in!"
Every morning before school mom would give me 8 quarters for lunch... and every evening I'd sit on the toilet trying to pass them.
Want to meet up so I can excite your natural frequency?
Stories of untold sufferring never stay that way.
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!
If I've learned anything in life, it's that not enough people are at a loss for words.
They call me coffee cause I grind so fine.
My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A Space Invader.
Are you a cat because you're purrrrrrfect.
Sorry, my dog ate your text message.
What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I wonder where my brother is, his lunch is getting all cold ... ... ... and eaten..
Dogs. Because when everyone looks at you like you're crazy, they look at you like you're amazing.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Nutella: A reason to buy bread.
If you are joining a new bank bring money with you, make sure you take that into account.
Life doesn't hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.
Why didn't the elephant buy a suitcase for his summer vacation? Because he already had a trunk!
That awesome moment when you open the fridge and the first thing you see is the thing you wanted to eat.
Me: "How much for the baby dragon?"
Pet store clerk: "Sir, that's a lizard."
Me: not listening "When do they start breathing fire?"