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I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
WELCOME TO PAGE 763 - WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE ???
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
The 80s were great because I didn't have to look at selfies.
Teacher: "What is the value of Pi?"
Student: "Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99."
I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'
This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.
I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
Friends wave red flags when you have a bad idea. Real friends pick up a camera.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him... with my bear hands.
When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
What do crabs smoke? Seaweed.
When people don't make sense, listen to music. It always does.
What does a baby computer call its father? Data.
Birthday: The anniversary of the day God slapped you on the butt and said, "Okay Kid, go get in the game. Play hard, play fair, and don't get too many penalty flags."
Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes go in first!
One day I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
Scientists proved that cows don't give us meat and milk. We just take it from them!
You must be a magnetic monopole because all I get from you is attraction.
My annual performance review says I lack "passion & intensity", guess management hasn't seen me alone with a Big Mac.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I put a new freezer next to the refrigerator, now they're just chilling.
The hardest part of getting a girls phone number is working up the courage to go through her trash and get it.
Love is one long sweet dream... and marriage is the alarm clock.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.