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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Your way sounds super safe and rational. Let's do it my way.
WELCOME TO PAGE 760 - IS THIS ALL JUST A FANTASY ??
Millenials. Walking around like they rent the place.
Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.
What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day? To remind single people they are single.
Sometimes, when I'm cruising the city in a $200K vehicle, I lean back and think, "If the bus driver doesn't speed up I'll be late for work."
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta!
I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I cleaned my house when the last kid has moved out.
My boyfriend said he didn't have a date that same day I caught him eating one.
According to my kids' Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I would hug you, but I would rather wait until I'm covered in syrup. And until you have nicer clothes on.
-Toddlers
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.
I ran out of poker chips so used dry fruits for playing instead. People went nuts when they saw me raisin the stakes.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
There are no winners in life ...only survivors.
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
Hackers brought down my online business but I managed to keep the website address and that's domain thing.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
With my luck I'll probably be reincarnated as me.
Stephen Hawking says we've got about 1,000 years to find a new place to live. That isn't even enough time for my girlfriend to pack.
I'm gonna spend Valentine 's Day with my ex... Box 360.
What did one autumn leaf say to another? I'm falling for you.