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My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.
When a guy says he's fine what he really means is he's fine.
I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.
WELCOME TO PAGE 759 - ONE MORE TIME FOR PAGE 760 !!
Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Wife: "You're addicted to skin lotion!"
Husband: "Go ahead. Rub it in my face."
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.
What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men? No phone numbers.
My obese parrot died. It was a real weight off of my shoulder.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
If I had a pound for every woman who called me handsome... I'd have a pound. Thanks Grandma.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about.
Sorry I'm late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.
What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!
My mind's made up, don't confuse me with facts.
I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.
Everything you do you're gonna regret. But if you do nothing – you will not only regret but will also suffer.
Where do sharks go on summer vacation? Finland!
Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won't remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.
Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey - he's always stuffed!
That awkward moment when your child looks to you for wisdom and you're like, "Honey, I don't even know what day of the week it is."
Tried watching The Neverending Story, couldn't finish it.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software...it's called #Monday, please fix it...