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I want our relationship to be like a Nintendo DS cartridge. If we have any problems, take it out, blow on it, and put it back in.
WELCOME TO PAGE 758 - IT"S A CRAZY TRAIN !!!
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory today. I hope there's no pop quiz.
My wife can eat one Reese's peanut butter cup and save the other one for later, so I'm clearly married to a supernatural being.
Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
Depression: A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of.
I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Chinese takeaway - £27.50. Petrol to get there - £3.25. Getting home then realizing they didn't give you one of the containers - riceless...
We All KEA! My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, "Assembly required."
A cop accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He learned to never book a judge by their cover.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
There are 12 things, people do when they haven't prepared a speech. They lie, tell stories and exaggerate.
Q: Did you hear about the man with a broken left arm and broken left leg?
A: Don't worry he's "ALRIGHT" now!
I've agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice.
What race is never run? A swimming race.
It's officially New Year's Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.
What's the best place to shop for a soccer shirt? New Jersey!
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of just nuts.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
My prince is not coming on a white horse... He's obviously riding a turtle, and definitely lost.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
What fruit do you eat when you are sad? Blueberries.
Wife renewed me for another season.
I made voodoo dolls of my dogs just so I could still rub their bellies while I'm at work.
I might drive you crazy, but at least I'll take the scenic route.