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If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?
Up until I bought this bag of chips I thought the air was free.
WELCOME TO PAGE 650 -- WE MADE IT, NOW TIME TO PARTY LIKE IT IS PAGE 700 !!
I never forget my son's first words... "Where the heck have you been for 16 years?"
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate
Social life? You mean my phone?
(this is one reason phones are evil)
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is like having dating tips on a box of Crocs.
Heard about the pilot who decided to cook whilst flying? It was a recipe for disaster.
I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good! Actually, the full sentence was "You're pretty annoying." but I'm choosing to focus on the positive.
I'm anti-work but pro-paycheck so you see my dilemma.
Someone asked me how you weigh an elephant. It's quite like weighing a person, but on a much larger scale.
What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
Never lick the spoon.
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way. I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.
My dad used to say "Always fight fire with fire." Probably explains why he was thrown out of the Fire Service.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
They say "don't try this at home" so I'm coming over to your house to try it...
Why are they called "hemorrhoids"? They should be called "asteroids"
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
My password is the last 16 digits of Pi.
There is no key to a woman's heart. There's only a password that changes regularly.
Yesterday I decided to change my WiFi name to "Hack me if you can" and when I woke up this morning I saw the name changed to "Challenge accepted" somebody help.
Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do!
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away
He doesn't know the meaning of fear... but then again, he doesn't know the meaning of MOST words.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
I'm watching my neighbor through the blinds, he's so creepy.