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Bono and The Edge walk into a bar. And the barman says, oh god, not U2 again!
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.
WELCOME TO PAGE 649 - ONLY ONE TO GO TO GET TO PAGE 650 !!!
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That's it. No more reading!
What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.
No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening. Think about it.
I got a part in a movie called "Cocaine". I only have one line.
Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
Why call someone when you can just decide where you and your friend want to meet by exchanging 76 text messages?
In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
Never underestimate a woman's ability to make anything your fault.
There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups.
Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.
I'm single by choice. Unfortunately, it's not my choice.
Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade?
A: The letter "m."
I work to buy a car to go to work.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
If I ever use "Whatever" as a complete sentence, you better run.
I once took the p out of a pirate. It made him very angry...
Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."
Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."
"Doctor, I'm addicted to 'The Family Feud' game show. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: "Well, the survey says..."
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Success is something that always comes faster to the man your wife almost married.
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary. Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too.
The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
My doctor advised me to kill people. Not in such words of course, he just said that I must diminish the amount of stress in my life.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry Ive got you covered!