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How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
WELCOME TO PAGE 527 - ITS CALLED PARTICIPATION !!!
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
Egyptian babies didn't know that one day their Daddy will become a Mummy.
People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.
Did Noah include termites on the ark?
Plan ahead - It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
I bought a book titled "How To Scam People Online" about three months ago... It still hasn't arrived.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don't have as many people who believe it.
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.
A straight face and a sincere-sounding "Huh?" have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
I like older women because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.