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I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... But, smoking bacon will cure it.
I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.
That one liner 'i'm not drinking too much tonight' never goes as planned...
WELCOME TO PAGE 526 - WHAT CAN I TELL YOU, ITS JUST SPAM !!!
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
What's Blonde and dead in a closet? The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995.
If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!
You have two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'. In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.
I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet. But I haven't seen any with more than 4.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, then it dawned on me.
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.