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OFFICIAL B-L-A-C-K-F-R-I-D-A-Y THREAD -- COMMUNITY ENDORSED! Take a peek! (RackNerd's Black Friday)
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A joke from stupidstuff
Bob and Earl were best friends and had been for 50 years. They went to baseball games together and had the best time possible. They truly loved the game but they always wondered if there was baseball in heaven and agreed that whoever died first had to call the other guy and tell them if there was baseball in heaven.
Then one night Earl died and then a few days later Bob went to his funeral and came home after the burial service. Then the phone rang it was Earl.
Earl said,"Bob is this you"
Bob said,"Yes, Earl how are you doing and is there baseball in heaven?"
Earl said,"Well I've got some good news and some bad news."
Bob said, "Whats the good news?"
Earl said, "Well there is baseball in heaven and you can play with Babe Ruth and everybody its great"
Bob said, "Then what's the bad news?"
Earl said, "Well Bob, your starting pitching tommorow night!"
A joke from stupidstuff
Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex." "Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven." "Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again." As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged." "No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."
A joke from stupidstuff
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms."What size?" asks the clerk?"Gee, I don't know.""Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly. Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms."What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
A joke from stupidstuff
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the docotor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
Ok
A joke from stupidstuff
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree. "Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane screamed and rolled around in agony for several minutes. Eventually, she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Tarzan always check for bees."
A joke from stupidstuff
A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head
waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-
cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's
tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on
the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that
it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee."
"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It
might be quite difficult."
The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because
that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"
A joke from stupidstuff
A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage.He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,"The weather out there is terrible."To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"
A joke from stupidstuff
A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, "Dear, what would you like for your present?""I really don't think I should say.""How about a diamond ring?" the husband asks."I don't care much for diamonds.""Well, how about a mink coat?""You know I do not like furs." she says."A golden necklace?" asks the man."I already have three of them.""Well, gosh, what do you want?"The wife replies, "What I'd really like is a divorce.""Hmmm," says the man, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
A joke from stupidstuff
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows."Twenty bucks," she says.He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer."What's going on here, people?" asks the officer."I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly."Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know.""Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."
A joke from stupidstuff
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat."Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry.""Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
A joke from stupidstuff
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?""After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would.. We all need companionship.""If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?""We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.""If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?""Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would.""If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?""Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."
A joke from stupidstuff
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room.Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband. "thought you had never been with a woman. He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get"!
A joke from stupidstuff
A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.' She gives him his beer. About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.' She does. A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer. The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.' The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'
A joke from stupidstuff
An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereup on he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful, after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time, when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 20 year old and ready for more. Once again, they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, 'I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one.' The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, 'Was I already here?'
A joke from stupidstuff
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said,"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
A joke from stupidstuff
Nice Hotel
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the manager.
The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use.
He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,"
explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. "But sir," the managers says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
A joke from stupidstuff
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........ The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?
A joke from stupidstuff
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up .The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
A joke from stupidstuff
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
"What's the matter?" he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."
Are you doing it via script
A joke from stupidstuff
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
A joke from stupidstuff
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
A joke from stupidstuff
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
A joke from stupidstuff
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating"...
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? Because it was two-tired.
A joke from stupidstuff
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?". "Yeah, my wife..."
A joke from stupidstuff
After a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room.
One of the gents said to the other, "I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, "honey pie" and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time.
The other gent said, "Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name."
A joke from stupidstuff
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home."Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house."Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
A joke from stupidstuff
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."