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OFFICIAL B-L-A-C-K-F-R-I-D-A-Y THREAD -- COMMUNITY ENDORSED! Take a peek! (RackNerd's Black Friday)
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A joke from stupidstuff
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's yoursecret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a caseof whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six." ** Shibu **
A joke from stupidstuff
Why did the blonde jumped off the bridge?
Because she thought her maxi had wings!
A joke from stupidstuff
I knew a blond so stupid that when she read the "concentrat" on the orange juice container, she did.
A joke from stupidstuff
There was a blond a brunette, and a red-head and they were walking down the street. A short man came up to them and said: in that castle there is a magic mirror, if u look into the mirror and tell the truth you will be granted any wish you please, but if you lie you will be banished into the mirror forever The girls went to the castle and the red-head went in first shhe said: I think I am the prettiest out of the blond and the brunette, she got a pot of silver. Next the brunette went in she said: I think I am the smartest out of the red-head and the blond, she got a new car. The blond went in to try her luck she walked up to the mirror and said: I think... She was vanished into the mirror forever.
A joke from stupidstuff
Why are they called apartments if they are joined together?
An archaeologist is a best husband a woman can get. As older she grows, the more interested he is in her.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
If moths are attracted to bright lights, how come they sleep during the day?
I love being married. It's so great to find that special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Anyone who thinks he is too small to make a difference has never been in bed with a mosquito.
I wear my wife's glasses because she wants me to see things her way.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
A joke from stupidstuff
1. Capmbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmmm, good...2. Coca Cola Conddoms: the real thing.3. Diet pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.4. Double Mint: Double your pleasure, Double your fun!5. Energizer: It keeps going and going and going...6. Ford condoms: the best never Rest.7. Hewlett Packard Condoms; Expanding possibilities.8. KFC Condoms: Finger-lickin good.9. M&M Condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!10. Mars Bar condoms: The quicker picker upper!11. Maxwell House: good to the last drop!12. Microsoft: Where do you want to go today?13. Nike Condoms: just do it.14. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.15. Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.16. Tattslotto Condoms: Who's next?17. Star Trek condoms: To boldly go where no man has gone before.18. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.19. United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.20. Yellow pages Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? don't you wish everybody did?
A joke from stupidstuff
A good friend will bail you out of jail.A great friend will be in the cell next to you saying,"Damn, that was fun!"
A joke from stupidstuff
If nobody is perfect, and I'm a nobody, am I perfect?
A joke from stupidstuff
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
A joke from stupidstuff
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits andexhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. Alittle concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Doyou think I'll live to be 80?"He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?""Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!""Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,ballooning, or rock climbing ?""No, I don't," I said.He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?""No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a damn if you live to be80?"
A joke from stupidstuff
If 7-11(pharmacy) is open 24/7 then why do they have locks on their doors?
A joke from stupidstuff
Can a teacher give a homeless man homework?
A joke from stupidstuff
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?" "Both son, both." The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
A joke from stupidstuff
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"
A joke from stupidstuff
An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.Each orderd a pint of beer . Then a fly landed in each one's beer . The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one .The Scott took the fly out ,shrugged, and drank his beer . The Irisman pinched the flybetween his fingers and yelled " SPIT IT OUT! "SPIT IT OUT!"
A joke from stupidstuff
At age 4, success is..................not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is..................having friends.
At age 20, success is..................having sex.
At age 35, success is..................making money.
At age 70, success is..................having sex.
At age 80, success is..................having friends.
At age 90, success is..................not peeing your pants.
A joke from stupidstuff
Upon landing hard, the pilot got on the PA system, "Sorry, folks for the hard landing. It wasn't my fault, blame it on the asphalt."On this particular flight, the airline pilot noted that he had "hammered the plane a little hard on the runway."The airline policy was that he had to stand at the exit and apologize to each passenger getting off the plane, saying, "Thank you for flying XYZ airlines and sorry for the rough landing."All the passengers had gotten off the plane, except for one little old lady, walking with a cane and wearing a hearing aid.She proceeded to walk up to the pilot and and said, "Do you mind if I ask a question?"He said, "Why no, ma'am, go ahead."She then replied, "I didn't hear the announcement. Did we land, or were we shot down?"
A joke from stupidstuff
why does sour cream have an expiry date?
Still not 1000
Harder harder !!
A joke from stupidstuff
An elderly couple was crossing the Canadian border to go to their winter recluse in Florida. At the crossing they were stopped by an over-zealous border guard, on his first day at work. He commenced to ask the couple a battery of questions and check for passports.The husband, on behalf of his almost deaf wife, answered the barrage of queries.Officer: "Where are you going?"Husband: "We're on vacation and going to Florida."Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"Husband: "He wants to know where we're going."Officer: "How long will you be gone?"Husband: "About one month."Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"Husband: "He wants to know how long we'll be gone."Officer: "Where are you from?"Husband: "We're from Toronto, Ontario."Officer: "Toronto, huh. I was there once. Nice city. Had the worst date experience in my life."Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"Husband: "He says he knows you!"
A joke from stupidstuff
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The
director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the
facts of your daily routine."
Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously
overweight member said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I
exercise frequently."
"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure there is nothing you
over-indulge in?"
"Well," said the man, "I lie extensively."
A joke from stupidstuff
A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, "So, how did the parachute jump go, son?" Son replies, "Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to "do me" with his 12-incher!"Father says, "Well, Son, did you jump?" "Just a little at first" said the son.
This is true
A joke from stupidstuff
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's privates off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
A joke from stupidstuff
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn."
A joke from stupidstuff
James was on the beach, and could not understand why Bob had attracted all the girls, while he had no luck. So he asked Rich "why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?" Bob replied "take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!" So James stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Several hours later, he still had no woman. James went to see Bob again and said "I've tried the potato and it doesn't work!" Bob looked at James and asked, "have you tried putting the potato in the front?"
A joke from stupidstuff
A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."
A joke from stupidstuff
A man walks into a bar. On the bar sits a big jar of twenty dollar bills. The man asks the bartender,"What's the deal with the jar of money?" "Well", the bartender says,"I've got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if you can make my horse laugh, You win all the money!" The man puts his twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. The man takes his money and leaves. About a year later, he goes back to the bar, and they've got another jar of twenties there. "What's the deal now?" He asks. "Well",the bartender says,"That damn horse won't stop laughing! So the first person who can make my horse stop laughing wins the money!" The man pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him. "Alright", he says,"You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know how you did it!!" "Easy", he says,"I made him laugh by saying mine was bigger than his, and I made him cry by proving it!!"
A joke from stupidstuff
Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?'Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.''And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires.Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.'