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OFFICIAL B-L-A-C-K-F-R-I-D-A-Y THREAD -- COMMUNITY ENDORSED! Take a peek! (RackNerd's Black Friday)
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Hello, I would like to double the bandwidth.
Order: 6232859765
There are two machines in this order.
Thanks!
A joke from stupidstuff
An Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?? The girl says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."Her boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzles spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box. He turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosties back in the box."
A joke from stupidstuff
This blonde had a near death experience the other day. She climbed on top of a horse, and all of a sudden it started moving. She was a little frightened, this was her first time, but she kept on the horse. Then the horse started going fast and got out of control, and the blonde couldn't stay on, she fell of, but her foot got stuck, and she was dragging on the ground. She started screaming, and was in great pain. Then the wal-mart manager came outside and unplugged the horse.
A joke from stupidstuff
Three blondes walk into a forest and soon find a pair of tracks.The first blonde says: "I think they're deer tracks."The second blonde says: "No, I think they're bear tracks."The third blonde says: "You're both wrong! They're bird tracks!"Then they get hit by a train.
A joke from stupidstuff
A man walks in to an auto store and askes the blonde cashier where the turtle wax is. the blonde says,"i'm sorry sir, but we don't sell pet supplies."
A joke from stupidstuff
One day a blonde is hiking in the woods. She follows the trail until she comes upon a river. As she is thinking how she can get across the river; another blonde appears on the opposite side.The blonde yells to the other blonde "How do I get to the other side?"The other blonde looks up and then down the river and yells back:"You are on the other side!"
A joke from stupidstuff
Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"
2nd blonde: "Chickens."
1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"
2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!"
1st blonde: "Well, I think you've got three."
A joke from stupidstuff
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,"she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all theother girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tanktop to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24."
A joke from stupidstuff
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" asks the blonde. "Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed." "Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"
A joke from stupidstuff
One cold Winter day, a blonde decides she wants to take up ice fishing. When she gets to the pond, she begins to cut a hole in the ice. As she does, she hears a voice. "There's no fish there...". Puzzled, the blonde picks up her stuff and cuts another hole a few feet away. Again, she hears the voice. "There's no fish there..." The blonde is confused, but still determined. About 10 feet away, she begins to cut another ice hole. "There's no fish there...", she hears. She immediately turns her head to the sky and says, "Is that you, God?""NO! IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE-SKATING RINK! THERE'S NO FISH THERE!
A joke from stupidstuff
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
A joke from stupidstuff
One cold Winter day, a blonde decides she wants to take up ice fishing. When she gets to the pond, she begins to cut a hole in the ice. As she does, she hears a voice. "There's no fish there...".
Puzzled, the blonde picks up her stuff and cuts another hole a few feet away. Again, she hears the voice. "There's no fish there..."
The blonde is confused, but still determined. About 10 feet away, she begins to cut another ice hole. "There's no fish there...", she hears.
She immediately turns her head to the sky and says, "Is that you, God?"
"NO! IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE-SKATING RINK! THERE'S NO FISH THERE!"
A joke from stupidstuff
A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: "Do you know where you were going?" Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving."
A joke from stupidstuff
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. "Honey, are you okay?" he asks her. "Yes" she replies. "Then what are you doing?" he asks. "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb and I wanted to do it by painting the house." she replies. "Then why are you wearing a ski jacket over a fur coat?" he asks. "Well," she replies "I was reading the directions on the paint can and it said..... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
A joke from stupidstuff
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works."I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?""What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump."It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumblingfor a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop."Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde."It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration."I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?""Yes." replied the officer"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher"Uh... yes." replied the cop."Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.""What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop."Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyser.
A joke from stupidstuff
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has neverbeen on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement,running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....." Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at theblonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for amoment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
A joke from stupidstuff
There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head escaping from jail. The brunette ran up a tree and a police officer yells "who is there?" and the brunette says "tweet tweet". So the police officer walks away. Then, the redhead runs up the tree and the police officer says "who is there?" and the red head says "meow" so the police officer walks away.So the blonde runs up the tree and the police officer says "who is there?" the blonde says "moooo"
A joke from stupidstuff
Once a Blonde and a brunette were watching the news when they saw a man at the top of a building threatening to jump off. The Brunette said "I bet you fifty bucks he's going to jump off, what do you say?" The Blonde said "sure," They watched carefully for 10 minutes when the man jumps off. The Blonde hands over the 50 bucks and says "good job," The brunette looks guilty and says "I'm sorry, here's your fifty bucks back, I saw the earlier showing and I knew the man was going to jump off," then blonde says "don't worry, I saw it too, I just didn't think he'd do it again,"
A joke from stupidstuff
Santa Vlause, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde were all walking down the street when they all spotted a 100$ dollar bill. Who do you think got it? No one because the first four dont exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
A joke from stupidstuff
A cop was driving down a country road when he saw a car in the ditch. He got out of his car to see if anyone was in the car. A blonde popped her head out the window and said "Thank god officer! I got in an accident!" The officer replied with "Well I can see that! Are you okay?" The blonde looked forward and said "Well yeah... I think so." Then the officer looked around and said "Miss.... your car looks like an elephant stepped on it. How did you crash?" The blonde looked at him and said "It was so strange. I was driving down the road and out of nowhere a tree jumped infront of me, so I swerved to the other side and another tree was in the way, so I swerved again, but another one was there again, so one last time I swerved to the other side, but the damn tree got me, and caused me to go in this ditch!" The officer started to laugh hard. "Whats so funny?" The blonde asked. The officer took a second to catch his breath then said "Miss, theres no trees on this road for miles ahead. That was your car air freshner swinging back and forth!"
A joke from stupidstuff
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle."
A joke from stupidstuff
Q:What is a blondes idea of safe sex??A:Lock the car doors
A joke from stupidstuff
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked herwhat had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened toyour other ear?" "The jerk called back!"
A joke from stupidstuff
Once, a blonde decided to ride a horse. She was riding quite pleasantly on a trail in a field until the horse speeded up. He was going faster and faster, and soon she felt herself slipping. Her head was just about to hit the ground... Then the Wal Mart manager ran to turn off the horsey ride.
A joke from stupidstuff
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I
ve kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde." The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"A joke from stupidstuff
A blonde walks into an appliance store and starts to look around.
She then asks the clerk,"Can I have that television set over there."
The clerk looks at her and says no.
This confuses her. She then asks why?
The Clerk responds,"Because you are a blonde."
The blonde woman walks out with an idea on how to get that television.
She then returns with a wig full of red hair. She asks the clerk again for the television set.
He looks at her suspiciously and replies,"No because I told you I don't sell them to blondes."
She then says,"I am not a blonde I am a redhead."
The clerk then said,"I know your the same women because that is no television thats a microwave."
A joke from stupidstuff
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
A joke from stupidstuff
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are walking along their island beach when one sees a bottle lying on the ground.It turns out there's a genie in it so they each get one wish.The brunette says: "I miss my family, I wish i was home again."With a puff of smoke she disappeared. The redhead wished for the same thing.There the blonde stood, all alone on the beach. She started to cry and said "I wish my friends would come back"
A joke from stupidstuff
Three blondes were all vying for the last available position on the local police force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be a cop, eh?"The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a photograph, and said, "To be a detect, you have to be able to DETECT. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He only has one eye!"The detective shook his head and said, "Of COURSE he only has one eye in this picture! It's a PROFILE of his face! You're dismissed!"The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"The blonde immediately shot back, "Yep! He only has one ear!"The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just said to the other lady? This is a PROFILE of the man's face! Of COURSE you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too! You'd never make a good detective!"The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.The detective turn his attention to the last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but....". He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "Alright. Did YOU notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"The blonde said, "Yes, I did. This man wears contact lenses."The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could tell that by looking at this picture?"The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "DUH! He has only one eye and one ear, he certainly CAN'T WEAR GLASSES!"
A joke from stupidstuff
I know a blond so stupid I asked her to take me to the airport she looked up at the billboard it said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home