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OFFICIAL B-L-A-C-K-F-R-I-D-A-Y THREAD -- COMMUNITY ENDORSED! Take a peek! (RackNerd's Black Friday)
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A joke from stupidstuff
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.
Redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
For as long as I can remember my mother was 39 years old all the way up until the day she died, when I was 47. My mother was a really wonderful person.
When ever she thought I had cut a corner to get something done. She would look at me with sparkly eyes, and a smile on her face, and say these words of wisdom....
A man from the power company came to find out why the power was still on at a house that he had pulled the meter out of the box for not paying the bill. Seeing that someone had jumped the connections with two copper rods, he says to the old lady living there "Who was the smart aleck who did this ?" She says "That was no smart aleck that was my smart Stanley."
I always knew what she was trying to tell me.
Note: I have done my best to translate these words of wisdom from Spanish so it may not come off exactly the same.
A joke from stupidstuff
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
A joke from stupidstuff
Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team, down below, is wooping it up and having a great time until one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, and she decides to investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in frount of them with white knuckles.
"Whats goimg on up here?" asks the brunette. "We're having a great time downstairs!"
"Yeah," screams a terrified blonde, "but you've got a driver!"
We just like to party. Throw a good party and we will probably show up.
A joke from stupidstuff
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." "No, from all that skipping."
Words of wisdom spam...
If your capacity to acquire has outstripped your capacity to enjoy, you are on the way to the scrap-heap.
Words of wisdom spam...
From his neck down a man is worth a few dollars a day, from his neck up he is worth anything that his brain can produce.
A joke from stupidstuff
A blonde motorist was two hours from Sydney when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the blonde's car and asked, "Are you going to Sydney?""Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?""Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to Taronga Park Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble.""I'd be happy to," said the blonde.So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Sydney when suddenly he was horrified. There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde."What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.""Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but just as we arrived it looked like it was going to rain so we decided to see a movie instead."
Words of wisdom spam...
Fire and swords are slow engines of destruction, compared to the tongue of a gossip.
A joke from stupidstuff
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early.
One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know?
The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date.
The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS.
Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them.
"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday"
Words of wisdom spam...
Women are like teabags. We don't know their true strength until we are in hot water!
Words of wisdom spam...
My father taught me a good lesson: Don't get to low when things go wrong. And don't get too high when things are good.
A joke from stupidstuff
This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours." He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg. He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..." So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg." "No problem," says the manager. Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a gorilla with a sign "If I catch you, you're mine."
A joke from stupidstuff
One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business. While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream. Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them back in."
A joke from stupidstuff
This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe." The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have any money.... and I must get a message to her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to her." The clerk replies "Anything?". "Yes.... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde. He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. "Unzip me..." She does. "Take it out..... go ahead." She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead... do it..." She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"
A joke from stupidstuff
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper."After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.The redhead says, "What's so funny?"The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"
A joke from stupidstuff
There's a blonde, a red head and a brunette all on death row. They are all out in the desert about to be executed. First up is the brunette. The shooter counts; 1, 2, 3..., and the brunette yells out,"Tornado!" Everybody turns around to see the tornado and the brunette runs away.Next up is the red head. The shooter counts; 1, 2,3..., and the red head yells out," Flood!" Everybody turns around to see the flood and the red head runs away. Next up is the blonde. The shooter counts; 1,2,3...,and the blonde yells,"Fire!"
A joke from stupidstuff
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bagbehind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow by 7 AM.Signed - "The Blonde"She pinned the note inside the boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 ina brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Alsoinside the bag was the following note: "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would dothis to another."
Life is short, laugh when you can, cry when you want, don't think too much, it will waste the short life, makes it even shorter.
What is life if you put too restrictions on yourself?
A joke from stupidstuff
This guy goes to sit at his plane seat in first class, and finds a blonde there. He says, excuse me miss, but this is my seat. She replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I have a great body and I'm going to Florida. So the guy calls the stewardess over to help him. He explains the situation to the stewardess, and the stewardess says, miss, your seat is in coach, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave first class. The blonde response, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I have a great body, and I'm going to Florida. The stewardess then goes to get the captain to help her, and the captain asks the blonde to please leave first class, and go back to coach. The blonde response, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I have a great body, and I'm going to Florida. The captain thinks about this for a minute, then whispers something in the blondes ear. As soon as he does, she gets up and goes back to coach.. The stewardess is amazed. What did you say? The captain replies, I told her first class doesn't go to Florida.
A joke from stupidstuff
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!" "Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...."
A joke from stupidstuff
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant. "Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant" the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing."But I always buy it here", the blonde says. "I bought one last month". Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, " I don't know what you bought before, may be you can bring in the empty container next time". "Sure", the blonde replies. "I'll bring it with me tomorrow"The next day, the blonde walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick. "This is just a normal deodorant", the pharmacist tells the blonde, "You use it under your arms"."No, it is not", the blonde answers, "it says so here: To apply, push up bottom".
A joke from stupidstuff
A blonde received a certificate for helicopter flying lessons for her birthday. One day she was bored and decided to take advantage of the opportunity. When she arrived at the place, the man said "Well, there's only one helicopter here, and it only has one seat, if I show you how to do it, do you mind going up solo?" "Oh of course! I can handle it" the blonde replied. Well, he showed her the inner-workings of the helicopter and sent her on her way, only asking that she radio in every 400ft. just to make sure everything was going smoothly. at 400ft, she radioed in saying "wow! this is so much fun!" At 800 ft. She radioed in again saying "this is pretty easy, I can do this all day!" At 1200 ft. She didnt. he waited and waited, and didn't hear from the blonde! seconds later he heard a crash in the field next to the station. He ran out to see what happened, the blonde crashed! Luckily she survived, "what happened?" he exclaimed. "Well, I was doing fine, but, I started to get cold, so I just turned off the big fan!"
A joke from stupidstuff
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"
A joke from stupidstuff
There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven.
God says, "There are 3,000 steps and i'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell." So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell.
Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell.
On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.
Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, "what are you laughing about?", so she replies, "i just got the first joke!".
A joke from stupidstuff
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
A joke from stupidstuff
There are three people: a blonde named Stacy, a red-head named Mary, and a guy named Jack.One day Mary says "I think we should rob a bank." And everyone agrees.So the next week after much planning they all set it up. "Now remember me and Mary are going to circle around for two minures, got it?" Says Jack, "Okay." Says Stacy.They drive away and two minutes pass and they come back. Stacy hasn't come out. 3 minutes pass, 4 minutes pass, 10 minutes pass, and after 11 minutes Stacy comes runing out with a safe that has been tied up and a guard with his pants down chasing after her. Stacy jumps in the car and they drive off. Imidietly Mary says, "I told you to blow the safe and tie up the guard!!!"
A joke from stupidstuff
Q & A
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: You pick it up pull the pin & throw it back.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
Q: Why don't blonds play frisbee?
A: It hurts their teeth.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
A: She tried to drown it.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
Q. why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?
A. because she heard the drinks were on the house.
A joke from stupidstuff
Three girls are walking in a magical forest. Suddenly, a witch comes out of the woods, and tells them: "Each of you has to say one good thing about herself. If you lie, i will make you disappear!".The first girl, a brunette, says:"I think I am a very kind and toughtfull person".Pooph- she disappears. The second girl, red-haired, says:"I think i am very sexy".Pooph- she also disappears.The third girl, a blonde, says:"Well, I think..."Pooph- she is gone...