Seen this one? Seems to be related to maxing out the DNS lookups for SPF records.

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I agree with that. Just install OpenVPN (or PPTP if you're lazy) on any VPS and voilà! easy privacy protection. And for foreign entertainment, just add a smart DNS when required.

xxxxxx.com ... relay.mailchannels.net: Maximum DNS-interactive terms limit (10) exceeded

Speed with Ivacy is good but purevpn dns leaks, instability, bad practices would lead me to believe the resellers are using the same (bad) setup.

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seconds. With my testing and even Google's Free DNS, they don't allow TTLs under 300sec (this may no longer be accurate, I haven't tried in a couple years).

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According to https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Round-robin_DNS

DNS round robin + 2 cheap VPS holding the same content (VPS2 updating from VPS1 automatically). This is LET, we should promote cheap solutions.

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Get at least 2 different DNS Providers with API + 2 Different Monitoring Providers and route the Traffic to your servers. Should work fine.

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Can't do it, I can't take over the DNS management in any way. That's probably the biggets issue here.

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I would only need to update the DNS record once, updating the website record to point to haproxy.

I can't imagine any scenario whereby a website being up is important and I don't have access to the DNS records.

Route 53 has very good DNS failover if that's what you're looking for